..

 

My hands are stained with blood, as red as
the surface of the sun, from which I ripped my
still beating heart from my cavernous chest, for you.
I tore open my rib cage, and mercilessly thrusted the
jagged ivory into my wretched organ. All in the name of you.
Your preservation. All for you. Before you go would you be so kind,
as to drown me face down, in my own bright red blood? Oh, would you please?

 

Turn.Turn. Now, who are you?

 

 

 



WHEN . . . .

When water turns into blood
When the sun fades into black
When my heart pounds for the last time
When I will see you go.

 

I’m washed to the shore
Breaking into the rocks of loneliness
Aching my empty life without you
Drifting through memories of us

 

I know life would be easier
when you talk more to me . . .

 

 

 

 

KA - FREAKIN' - BOOM

we all carry a few pounds of explosives in

our heads -

the sniff dog in wait can't smell it -

the sniper on the roof can't get it in his sights

we carry it though - and we saunter

through their detection blockades -

and we can't be stopped

 

 

some of us think it's simply precious cargo -

like some wedding night sheets rolled into a ball and

protected by skull plates - comparison parties with the

girls from work - love the love you own

or like there's an antidote in there - like

anybody ever gets better without blood on their hands -

that designer placebo was tested on runaways

or even an anectdote that's worth a fuck - like i said ,

then he said - and then we said - we said , and said -

and said .... all day - so we can say it again

 

we're simply wired to go bombastic -

that's the only truth that comes -

and at any point we can take out a city block -

with a flippant split decision

we can't help with the same whim - cause

 

 

we're not designed for joy spread healing humility -

we're about the train wreck onslaught crescendo

we can catpult ourselves into someone else's oblivion

and pull all the pins - cutting them to pieces

but we can't give love - without keeping score

 

the flower you picked for your love fucking died -

but the lie you told is still ticking away -

we punish , we bring hell to , we cut the daisies

 

god , we even rape

 

we're all simply eachother's obstacles -

we will clear the way for our pleasure

 

- daisycutters -

 

kill babies so we can fuck without someone

crying in the other room

mother invalids so we can sing about lovebirds

 

uninterrupted

 

set fire to the homeless so you can own them

forever - keep them locked inside the smirk on

your ugly cannibal face

i saw the scorch marks on the pavement and

the twinkle in your eye

i saw the mutts invade the dumpster outside the clinic -

while you humped like dogs - i heard you say yes 

a thousand times

and i saw your grandmother's make-up smeared all over

the pillow case inside the coffee can -

 

don't sing lovesongs about sparrows to me ... it won't

exonerate you - i'll just show you -

there is DNA everywhere -

that's what we're about -

it's on your bed - your floors - your doorknobs -

it's on your lips , it's on your streets - in your dumpsters

it's even in your coffee cans

 

we leave a trail of what we are -

every step of the way

where are the rose petals

where is the pixie dust

where's the fucking confetti

 

 

only in poetry

 

 

Z.E.R.O

 

Walking into the next genocide,
Of a million minds at once,
Upon the falter of a life enraged by thoughts of love,
A loving gaze into a daze,
That summons you to dwell,
Upon the thoughts which summon you to heaven or to hell,
A life denied of chaos,
Entropy into the sun,
The sun of which your soul is born, a mourning never learned,
Into the faithful sun you burn,
Into the moon you cry,
As nothing comes before you,
And never leave another life inside your mourning star,
To cry for everything that all us zeros truly are.

 

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WILL . . .

Photo By Will Meinhart

 

With heaps of prayers I'm sending you

A birthday wishes
May the road of happiness and more

Which leads you to the stairs of bliss

Make a wish and give it wings

Dreams of bright and beautiful things

Each life you’ve been blessed to touch

 

　

Reminds me to persevere,

If not for your birth day

I wouldn't have someone

who is always there for me,

helping and supporting me

making life easy and peaceful.

 

　

A special way of knowing that someone is always there

A special understanding that has time passed has grown,

And today cherishing all those things been above,

I would love to bring the world to your feet on your Birthday as your present,

but let my wishes suffice with a genuine prayer for your happiness and well

being.

　

　

End of the words . . . . talk to the foot

 

 

 

i am the center of a

one-way conversation

to the god-complex

wielding a scalpel

on my shoulder

　

i reek of profundities yet

speak such profanity

to spite your preconceived

notions that a few fucks,

shits and bitches is

resonant of evidence i

can't drop your thoughts

for a tick

　

(shall i tock)

 

i've discovered the

machinations of my

spartan conundrum

spoilt with brandied sweet-

honey sweat -- whereas

she felt us simply lost

in translation,

 

i found

myself truly lost

but only one thoroughly

selfish could accuse

me of selfishness, hell-

bent on a romance written

in opium-smoked signals

accurst with contentment

in the cursive of conceit

　

i practice the art of sanity

in the face of an ill logic:

I am queen, commoner,

jester and spiritual advisor

for an empire of one

　

a woman of many hats

reclining in a guillotine

SLEEPLESS NIGHTS

I am typing up and retyping my scattering thoughts in the dark tonight, trying to scribble down every word and every syllable on my computer before they fall behind my thoughts

The windows feel too tight, the door too shut and the ceiling spinning, closing in

These sleepless nights, I imagine all the scattered words and fairytales with no endings and whispering beautiful songs I would whisper in your ear
But when I see you, all I could say is  ‘I missed you’  just like anyone else would have said, with a blank expression and emotion, emotion stronger than the whole universe, bubbling inside of me

The window blows open by the late night wind and the blank curtains hover in the room, casting big shadows and reviving the most fearful, childhood nightmares

The wind blew hard and I sat on the steps breathing in the cold air, an atmosphere without you beside me.

They have all left, in crowds and in pairs, but I was still alone, breathing in cold air like a cigarette and ruining my lungs.....

Conversation Overheard

 

 

"We grow and evolve,
And move away from things that
Used to captivate us."

 

"It's part of life..."
"I don't really remember..."
"I don't really want to know."

 

"You're so far beyond me..."

 

"Trade offs - "
"So what do you say
We move on..."

 

 

MNEMOSYNE

 

i fell in love with the delicate curve of her neck,
faint and lithe as a flame writes itself into the cracks of souls
as if an angel wet her finger in the clouds and painted a scene
of doves in the belltower of hell,
moon children with phantom masks that make the world tremble with shadows
and their black despair

i crumble when you touch my tears
i can smell funeral orchids curling in your hair
skull pregnant with the snowy ashes of memory
that can only be reborn
in the dread chimes of eternity, twelve strokes at midnight, twelve songs
a child laughing somewhere very far away, smoke filling the room
and moving her lacy hips
in time with dying

i watched her from my window she had white victorian birds in her hair
and i could do nothing but smile softly without a face
as my shadow formed the silhouette of a phoenix
her face was bone china and without movement
but her eyes burned
i saw the black and dreaming ocean of a parisian silent film through them
bloated with cracked roses and mirror salt
she walked into the sea
and floated forever away from the light

but i knew she was writhing with the shadows and sea dandelions,
lighting beautifully the skeleton of a beast
with her swan plume of death and life and everything in between
pearl laden mermaid hair and flowered moss matted to my thighs, i was carried to a beach
littered with gray diamonds and apple cores and longing
i floated with peacock feathers glued to my eye sockets
i saw with the palms of my hands and the murmur of lightning in my chest

i bloom now only in memoir shaped regret
slumbering only when the stars die on my spine just so
feigning the deference of wings,
plagued with nightmares of being happy that mold the pulp of my lips like clay
when i dream, i will dream only
of that fateful ride to the coroner's office,
her skinless paper doll face
my last poem penned on a cold february morning
before the sun had risen and i could feel my blood

i wrote a requiem for her,
blue veined and masterful
the sponge that sucked the life of the last lingering vines of my flower bed
in hopes that her blood chrysalis would find wings
and flicker sometimes in my peripheral vision,
a soft cool hand pressed against my feverish brow

i go to my window every morning hoping i'll find a cocoon
or a hairline fracture in the clouds
i torture myself

you refuse to think of me or or even haunt the crumbling labyrinth of my thoughts
spanish lolitas, dried red flowers pressed in between the pages of their hair,
disappear around corners i never knew existed
and minotaurs scream with savage mourning, skeletons of clouds chained
to the wall
my skin still smelling like yesterday rain

so i will think of you as a broken doll
heart like a blue bird dying in your chest


i will think of you as me

 

 

　

　

 

Rapture of Euphoria

One can easily envisage a love that is flawless.
A sovereignty of inhibitions, a union impassible, infallible.
Phenomenal perfection from every perspective.

In almost every heart the acceptance and anticipation of
disappointment and betrayal have become a comforting familiarity.
Contemporary love is almost classified as being laden with heartache,
burdened by suspicion and insecurity.
Soaked bone deep with preconceived notions and
expectations of performances and milestones.

We silently criticize and emasculate our so called "lovers".
Miscarry our own intentions of virtue.
We are almost predisposed to failure and torture
at the hands of our own desire.

But with you my love...

I exhale, respire and I feel your warmth within.
Floating on the moonlight
Bathed in the glow of adoration, unadulterated fixation.

I am aware of my entirety.
Not only do I sense every single fiber of my being,
But I am enthralled by it. Sensual, concupiscent.

There is no admonishing, only inclusive consent.
Not from one another, but from within ourselves.
The blessing of permissive intuition.

Atonement, sustainable gratification.
With every breath drawn in…
impenetrable, inscrutable, unfathomable

Every question answered, every discovery made
Every unknown expelled along with the rush
It poured out of me like a river of fire.
From the valley between me flooded euphoria.

Moments to hours and heart beats to symphony.
It was alive, lucidity.
To experience what the majority can barely dream,
Together, repeatedly, and know…
If there were ever two hearts designed to beat together
they belong to us, and beat together now.
To attain this love is unheard of,
To realize that you have attained it


Rapture of euphoria . . . .

MINDFUCK

you will come to me remembering something safe
someone who held you, who comforted and soothed
sappy movie kisses and playful struggling

i may wear her skin and speak her language
but in search of a princess, you have uncovered a succubus
and i do not have use for a shining knight and his red roses
i want blood, and cum, and sacrifice
your struggles will be real

you will be stalked, captured, made prisoner
feel my claws dig in as i rip into your neck with teeth and nails
i smile as i imagine beating you until your golden skin is scarlet
burning you, watching your eyes grow wide as i drink the flames
i want you to not know how you became my pet
how you came to wear my collar around your neck
yet i want you trapped in a cage of sexual frenzy
your body may cry out for escaping my torture
but your heart must beg for the way i damage you

i lick my lips as i think of how i'd slide needles into your flesh
make you a user, make you crawl for what i give you
i want your knees bloody with desire to be at my feet
want you to need the sting of my redemption
i have a desire to hurt you past your limits
string you up by your piercings and bind you with pain
to make you scream "no more!" and start another round
until you cannot be sure that you'll make it through alive this time
and yet
and yet
you must be haunted by the need for it to never end
more than succumbing to my sadism
you have to want it

and when i grow weary of the games i play upon your skin
when the red glow of pain warms my hand as i trace your scars
all the flames, all the fury
i want you to return it all to me
energize me with your cock thrusting within
last resistance to be shattered as i clamp my thighs around your body
draw you deeper, farther, until you have lost your way
lost, yes; i want your eyes to reflect fear and lust interchangably
knife sweetly singing , cold steel against your throat
a softly whispered "i will kill you if you don't please me"
i want you to weep brokenly as you cum
give me all you have to offer
and more
so much more

i want to leave you naked, undone
tossed to the sand and left nothing but images and dreams
a shell to hold against my ear to listen to the sea
i will be the siren who tempted you into the waves
the one who let you drown

and you will not know it until later
will not see that i have sucked the toxins from your past
replaced them with my own
until your need for my whip consumes you
and you throw yourself at my alter as my offering
my prey

it's the pretty boys who make the loveliest slaves
the stubborn ones that look best
when they're on their knees
begging for my touch


and it's you i want





you


i'll have

　

　

THE REASON

You're the reason why I live,
the reason why I can not die.
The reason why every night
I dream of something that has your name,
the reason I can see everything in black and white
except for a blue horizon
You're the reason why am not perfect.
You are for me something without which life can not know.
You're the reason why I have always had only one true desire.

　

You ask me why I am so gentle to you . . . .
I said you are . . . . the even gentlest soul I have ever met.

SILENT PRAYER

i talked to god

he said:

don't think

just kiss

don't feel

just touch

don't love

just fuck.

and in silent prayer

we have the nerve to ask why.

GOOD MORNING!!

 
A new study to be presented at the Society for Experimental Biology meeting on June 30 has shown that caffeine boosts power in older muscles, suggesting the stimulant could aid elderly people to maintain their strength, reducing the incidence of falls and injuries.

article: http://medicalxpress.com/news/2012-06-caffeine-boosts-power-elderly-muscles.html

I WAS INK

I walked alone beneath the skies I was in tears and ink,
drawing my way uncertain signs among the weeds.
The rough road does not betray me.
Myriads of diamonds, disguised as stars, gave my heart to courage
and this subtle removal of all my sorrows at the same time made me feel grown wings.
Perhaps even more was I a pen,
marking its fleeting shadow on the earth's surface.

But while my head was not in my stars continued to materialize
in the mud a destiny which I felt it was not me who cares,
I followed him so he would become mine.
The night by killing the twilight had covered my flight,
the dazzling brightness of his dark blind: I was part without hesitation,
and without hesitation he should continue.

I was aimless, but equally devoid of starting point.
If I existed or not, I had no idea but it was not the point.
However that was, all remained: the fabric of the past did not exist,
that the future was a virgin and this was floating somewhere suspended between the two.

So I walked.
Around me,
no landscape is offered to the eye and everything seemed
to drown in a darkness that seemed endless.

Only above me,
distant and sublime stretched the sky and Milky Way.
I thought for a moment that the stars would have embroidered the way of my wandering,
but since I was still down here it was probably understand that I was wrong,
my way were to emerge and it probably started - but did he really begin? I like to think not, but I expected nothing; without optimism and without defeat,
I expected as a sign.

So dawn arising in golden butterflies and blood rose,
but for me there was monochrome an immense clarity.
I expected the fall but he did not come,


I cried and everything went white.

　

WOMAN

This time for you only,
I am ready, To turn the earth,
In to a graveyard.

'Cause in your embrace,
I've heard the last whisper,
Of my breath,
'Cause to fall in your love,
I've been crucified,
Birth after birth.

In your sin, Your blood,
Your still to come egg in ovary,
I've already given signature,
Of my manliness.

Every-time I've touched you,
In you I've smelt, felt,
Gloom of history,
Whichever point in your body,
I've listened to, Have heard,
The embrace song,
Of earth and sky.

In your stark blood only,
Have I drawn map of sin,
And have seen how,
From inside that, Extending an arm,
Has picked me up a virtuous sky,
Where there is,
Eternal youth for my poems.

My entire fate, I've offered in worship,
In the pyre fire of your hate,
You only are the extreme point,
Of my proud manliness,
You only are the Horizon's Goddess,
Of all my dreams.

In total submission, In incantations,
I invoke you my Goddess,
You come,
As a drop of blood in gloom,
Merge in mine,
Turning in to, Merged total gloom.

The only remaining thing is,
My last and extreme point,
Submerged union with you,
Do you know it that,
Only in your blood, Lies hidden,
The ultimate freedom, The nirvana,
Of my soul ?

DESPAIR

Snap those lips down tight for me.
Paint them virmilion splashed with disregard.
Skipping in disgrace and fear,
Arm in arm across the way.
Sprinting towards the edge.
Falling into fire; dive into my empty place.
Doused in blackness and gasoline.
Torment and tension tethered to my sick sick brain.
Razor wire, dried bone, ruddy muscles, and hot sticky blood.
Something terrible is rising up and I can’t stop it.
Frantically I write on the walls trying to keep it at bay.

I don’t want to again. I don’t want to…please.
I can feel it clawing at me; biting my insides.
Little fangs. Gleaming chompers.
Dumping lava into my arteries.

I squeeze tight, curling into a ball trying to crush the snake in my belly.
It starts small…little sparks;

then the bigger logs begin to catch light and I’m up and away.
Blazing like an inferno I’m gone; outta sight.
Running to the brink hell bent for glory.
I can feel sizzling under my feet and bitter winter wind on my face.
I wish I could wink out of existence…

I need silence then this also will pass .

Something, anything to clear away the slate of my heart and make me blank inside again.
I close my eyes but I can hear the imps giggle as they scurry in the darkness.
There is no quiet. No credits roll.
Please earth under foot.. open and swallow me entire.
The jar holding my joy is broken and every ounce is gushing out.
The sand drinks it up greedily begging for more and I wish I had none left to give.
But jet after jet still spurts out...a valve is broken somewhere it seems.
Like a finger in an open sore.
Like that infected tooth that you can’t keep from touching with your tongue.

The scab you can’t help but pick.

It's agonizing... but I could force myself to do what must be done.
I want to smear blood across my forehead and rub my face with ash.
Then sit under a moon black as sack cloth and lament loss ,

despair against finality , and rage indiscriminately against anyone and everything till my fingers are worn down to ragged nubs and I cough blood in vivid gaudy streams.

To hear the sound of anyone screaming except me would be a welcome change
Instead of crouching inside this icey tomb to loss rehashing everything…

going over the words and the days and the years again and again.

Running my fingers over it studying the crevices and crannies looking for an imperfection… any imperfection.

Some indication...God…something to tell me I could have seen this all coming.

I’m at ground zero…a pillar of ash...stark and alone, oblivious that the world around me has drastically changed and the road ahead is dark, lonely and uncertain.
I feel spent and all that’s left is this quiet aching. Standing at the edge of that abyss; one good shove is all it would take.

Then I could escape into the black...and fall forever…I would finally have quiet…instead of looking at scattered pictures and shattered glass…Instead of praying for it to return…instead of waiting for the joy in my eyes to come home…I miss it

Chiaroscuro - Haiku

Take the thinnest brush,
trace your silhouette and find
the silent madness

.
.

THINK ABOUT IT

What determines who we are and why we are like that? Is it our past and the issues or problems we encountered as nothing more than young children? Or are our personalities and traits determined by a greater force and developed over time? It would be wise to choose the most logical answer, which would be that our traits, personalities and intellectual minds develop over time giving us more knowledge and thus creating us to be the wise. But what does it really take to be classified as wise? Do you have to reach a certain age?

Do you have to know almost everything there is to know about a common topic in everyday life? Or are you simply classified as Wise when people take the advice you give to them? No, none of that is wise. To be wise you have to live through the past, survive the present and dance through your future, because your life, which is your personality, your traits, your intellectual intelligence, etc, is more important than anything in the world. No amount of knowledge, wisedome, courage, money, etc can amount to the price of your own life.

To be honest, i think that our personalities, traits and intellectual intelligence is determined by the way we react to the issues we all face everyday and how well we accept what has, is and will happen. We control the direction of our lives, the chances we get and the choices we have to make by the reaction we have to certain things in life. There are the obvious reactions, like over reacting to a brake up or not reacting at all when a gun is pointed in your face, but there are the smaller reaction that can cause consequences, and sometimes, those consequences makes 'ripples' and as you know, ripples expand, so you see, the little reactions count too.

Life is uncontrolable yet we control it each and every day, we walk and we talk, we breathe, we eat, drink, use valuable resources...not only do we control our own lives, we control the lives of those around us.

MY MOM'S FUNERAL

Mother . . . your life was full of loving deeds,
Forever thoughtful of our special needs,
Today and tomorrow, my whole life through,
I will always love and cherish you.


Good bye, mother . . . .

My sister, she lost her voice that day from too much crying

The village Chief

 

My sun glasses is my best friend at time like this . . .